


A Burning Isolation

by OliveTheClimber



Category: Havenfall is for Lovers (Visual Novel)
Genre: Anxiety, BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Coping, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Repressed, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Illness, Other, POV First Person, Self-Loathing, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:28:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24749893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OliveTheClimber/pseuds/OliveTheClimber
Summary: The only human member of Havenfall's Finest has some issues with her emotions. It's causing a lot of inner emotional turmoil within her. JD wakes up to one of her spirals and talks to her about it.
Relationships: Jordan "JD" Davies/Main Character
Kudos: 5





	A Burning Isolation

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfic in literally like what? A year nearly? I spent a lot of time off writing, before eventually moving over into writing more essay-like pieces. It's been a lot of fun and it's really been inspiring me to tackle more stuff and harder subjects, which is the major reason I stopped posting here. I simply ran out of steam and lost a lot of my own motivation to write fanfiction. My biggest issue ended up being that I never finished a story. And I disliked that. I hated it. I hated being unable to finish or tell a story. You'll notice a lot of my backlog of writing is now gone. I deleted them. I wasn't proud of a lot of them. Thus I deleted them. They were unfinished stories that would NEVER ever be completed.
> 
> Will I continue writing fanfics? Maybe when the inspiration hits. But if you were a fan of my writing, I have my blog you can see below. I write about a variety of topics, primarily related to LGBT media. I try to post multiple times a week, bordering on daily posts since the best way to keep a site running is to make constant content. I may go back to my other Havenfall fic as well, since I've been back into Lovestruck as of late. If you wanna support me, it'd help a lot in keeping constant content in the form of essays or fiction if this does well enough.
> 
> My site: https://lgbtransreviews.wordpress.com/

I’m unremarkable. There’s not much more to me than that. More often than not I have to really wonder how I ended up where I am now. I feel like I’m alone in the dark, but I know they’re right by my side. A light snore is what I can hear coming from them, the only thing breaking the silence. Sometimes we spoon, but tonight was not one of those nights. Too much work at the bowling alley, for once in our lives, so we just kind of collapsed into bed afterwards.

I don’t know what they see in me, to be honest. I love them more than anything else, but I always feel out of their league. I love them. They love me. But a lot of the time, I have to ask myself why? My heart skips a beat whenever I’m with them, but what do they see in me? They’re the literal child of the devil and I’m some random Midwesterner who got lucky to work in town at the same bowling alley as them.

Havenfall is monster central for Indiana, surprisingly enough. A vampire doctor, a Djinn bowling alley owner, a werewolf sheriff, and a demon coworker slash partner. It’s definitely not where I expected my life to head. Am I happier? I could say that I am. Probably more than ever. But even then there’s still this… void inside me sometimes. A single thought that then starts to spiral out of control. I excuse myself to the bathroom and allow myself to spiral until I feel like I can fake it again and say it’s okay. It works on Razi, but never works on JD.

JD may be lazy at work, but they are smart when it comes to me at the very least. Obnoxiously so sometimes. I get into the mood and then we do something stupid like have sex in Razi’s really nice shower, but I do feel bad about it. And they’re the only one who can tell. But I tell them it’s okay. I always tell them I’m okay. I don’t want them to worry about me. I’m not worth worrying about that much.

The silence, again, is only broken by JD’s light snoring. But I’m fully awake. I can’t sleep. It’s one of those nights where I’m letting those little bad thoughts spiral out of control until I can only think about that and nothing else. It’s not a fun feeling. My emotions are always like that. I hide it thought through a very well formed façade of sarcasm and snark. No one can see through it though, not even my little sister, Grace. She’s been around me longer than anyone, but… nobody can see through it, not even JD. JD can tell there’s something wrong, but they can’t place their finger on it. They don’t push when I say I’m fine. But… sometimes I wish they would push it.

I don’t like talking too much about how I feel. When JD and I started fooling around I made the mistake of being open about my emotions and feelings. Sure, we’re in a good place right now, but those few moments early on? It hurt. A lot of things hurt me, but I never let them show. I just try not to let myself get hurt as much. Two months they were gone. Two months I was alone. Two months of trying and trying to bring them home, and it always failed. Even if I finally got it right, those two months were so lonely. Even if the others were around, they never filled the JD-shaped hole in my heart.

Looking to their side, I can see the peacefulness on their face. Just seeing their face, even while they’re sleeping, brings a small smile to my face. I would dream about JD a lot when they were gone. My dream JD even ended up being smarter than me, even if they ended up just being another part of my brain somewhere. A lot of people don’t really see that part of me. The part where my emotions just come out in a flood. And I cry. I would cry a lot when they weren’t here, but I never really would tell anyone. I would let my heart seep out and then fall into the shower to hide it before work. 

Everyone always sees me as someone who mostly has their shit together. I don’t have my shit together, by the way. It’s just a mask. I want the best for everyone around me, even if it comes at the cost of my own dreams. I don’t have one though I guess. If I had one, it would be to just get through my personal issues. I wanna show JD how strong I am, just like how strong they show me they are. They’re working through their own emotional issues, and they’re making strides every day we’re together. I want them to see I’m able to do that too.

But… What if I fail? What if I don’t get better? I can’t afford therapy and I definitely can’t afford prescription medicine. It’s not like working at Razi’s comes with insurance benefits. Sure, there’s Diego, but we’re friends and it’s too weird to be friends with your doctor. Who even knows if he even does mental health stuff? But should any professional even need to deal with me? I’m a never ending bucket of problems. I mean where the hell do you ever start? Is it the part where everyone I’m close to is some sort of being of mythology or folklore? How about the part where my sister got kidnapped by THE Rip Van Winkle who created weird body snatchers for a dumb reason, and who probably traumatized me a good few times? Or what about my partner, the love of my life, being sucked down into hell for months? Or just… the part where my parents were gone, and I had to raise my sister on my own? 

And I spiral. I spiral further down, and I can tell my once calm breathing is starting to break apart. I can feel the pit in my stomach start to deepen and pound against my body. It hurts. My body moves so I’m sitting upwards, and I start rocking. Rocking helps when I feel like this. I just try to focus on my repetitive movements, but they eventually get to a bit a little too much. Because I look down and I see two eyes staring right at me. And they are worried. Shit.

JD rubs their eyes for a moment as they shift their body to be sitting upright and facing me. I guess there’s a look on my face. I’m not surprised, though, since I’m the one rocking back and forth still. Maybe I should have stopped. Maybe I should have gone to the bathroom and done this there. I wouldn’t have woken JD, and they wouldn’t know anything was wrong. I shouldn’t have woken them on the one night where they actually busted their ass working for once and actually wanted sleep. Why did I do this? Ugh, I’m really pissed off with myself. So much so that I barely notice the fact I’m beginning to rock faster. The silence is broken by the worried JD.

“It’s 3:30 in the morning, you’re rocking back and forth, and you look like you’re gonna break down.” JD said, frowning a little. They look at me with a worried expression only they could give me. “Are you okay?”

I remain quiet for a moment. My rocking begins to slow, but I don’t stop fully. I meet their eyes the best I can, regardless of the darkness in the room or the fact they’re a bit blurry.

“I’m… I’m… I’m fine probably won’t cut it, will it?” I say, looking down at our covers. JD shakes their head and a small loving smile appears on their face.

“No. Not tonight.” JD looks at me, with a determined look on their face. “Something tells me, you’ve avoided this for as long as possible, right?” JD looks down a bit. “I guess I have too.”

I look down as well, trying to avoid their gaze. It’s hard to talk about stuff like this. Usually when big emotional things happen, we usually just end up having sex, like how when they came back from Hell, we had sex in the arcade. I still feel a bit bad about that, even if it was worth it. But it’s hard for even that thought to help a bit.

“What’s wrong? You know you can’t get away from telling me this time.” JD says, moving closer to me. I’m still rocking, but now I feel the light pressure of their hands rubbing against my back. I rock forward and back, but their hand goes up and down. It’s soothing. It’s helpful. “I know we… both got problems with emotions and feelings and shit, but… I feel like this is a good time to try and break some kinda walls, right?”

“Maybe.” I manage to say, my voice low and shaky. The way their hand rubs on my back though? It makes me reassured. I don’t know where to begin, so I start talking. “Sometimes I wonder… why am I here?”

JD remains silent yet tilts their head a little.

“Well that’s a dumb question. That’s something we all go through, right? Why are we here? What’s the point of life? Etcetera.” JD says, waving their free hand a little. They look at me though and frown. “But… something tells me you don’t mean that.” 

I can only nod in response. They scoot closer to me, and it doesn’t take much for me to start laying into their chest to keep close.

“I… I always feel like I’m wearing some kind of mask for everyone.” I manage to spit out. I’m shaking lightly. “I know I act strong and snarky a lot of the time, and when I’m okay being snarky is just kinda what I’m like.”

“Duh. I’ve known you for years. I’m pretty sure your middle name is snark, sassy, or sarcastic. All of them do start with S though, which has gotta be on purpose right?” JD manages to get a small smile out of me. They definitely know how to make things easier on me. They know me.

“It’s just… a lot of the time I don’t feel like that. Like… right now, there’s nothing in me except this pit.” I say, laying closer into them. Their hands wrap around me a bit.

“What does that pit feel like?” JD says, their eyes looking down at me. “I’m not the best at emotions still, but you know I’m getting there, right?”

“I know. It’s just like… Imagine someone just sucker punched you in the stomach. But that feeling doesn’t go away. It just gets worse and worse until… you fall asleep and hopefully forget about it.” I purse my lips together and look for the right words. It’s harder to say it all out loud, even if it is the person you love more than anyone else. “It sucks. It sucks a lot. Remember early on when we didn’t really know what we were? You had one idea of what we were and… I had a different idea?”

“Yeah…” JD frowns, nodding to me. They keep me close as I take a few more shaky breaths. They must remember all too well too.

“I… I felt like shit after that, not gonna lie. The worst pain I could possibly feel.” I ball my hands up, just like I did at the bowling alley that night. I think of everything that occurred that night. Our argument. My… jump.

“I remember. That night was really shitty. I guess I didn’t make matters any better that night… I made it worse.” JD said, beginning to run their hand through my hair. It was comforting.

“You said I looked ready to die… When I jumped off the water tower. And… I was.” It’s not something I wanted to admit. Maybe… I don’t know. Maybe I was ready to die then and there. Hell, maybe it’s the whole reason I let myself get caught the way I did. The only people who had mattered to me, heavily, to that point was Grace and JD. And with Grace having been gone, even possibly dead, and JD having me leave the way I did? Maybe that was what I wanted. “I just… I let the heart out and maybe that was a mistake. Getting hurt and being hurt sucks! Those early days were just… up and down repeatedly.”

JD remained quiet for a few moments.

“I just… I feel so oddly unremarkable a lot of the time. Like, sure, as a pair we’ve done a lot of wild things. From running Rip Van Winkle out of town to me summoning you back from Hell! But… on my own I just… I don’t know. Even when I did manage to summon you, the only reason I was able was because dream-you told me how.”

“Yeah but anything in your head is just some other part of you, right? I mean I wasn’t really there in your head, although I’m sure it’s not the worst thing being in your head.” JD rubbed the back of my head, and I do smile a little bit. I gently swat their hand away and lay closer into them.

“Maybe… But I don’t think anyone should have to see what’s inside my head… I don’t know. I feel like even though we’ve been through so much…” My hand mindlessly grabbed onto one of theirs. “But back then, during that first major part of our relationship… I was ready to go out. I didn’t think you cared and… well I thought Grace might fully be gone by then. So, I let myself fall. I… I wanted to die then. Even if… Even if I didn’t want to admit it, that’s what happened. That one night I just felt something break inside me. A mixture of Grace still being gone, our argument, being cornered by Rip’s weird ass body snatchers… None of it sat right with me and I just… I gave up then when I decided to jump. I let myself lose. And ever since then… It’s been harder and harder to think that I was worth saving that night.”

JD gripped my hand harder than they ever had.

“You were definitely worth saving that night. I don’t have too many regrets, but I’m definitely sure the only regret I had that night was how I treated you before.” JD took a deep breath. Their eyes flared up red and orange. I could see them much better in the dark. 

“I just… I can never get it out of my head. So many of my prior relationships ended and died off so early. And… they were usually my fault. Well… maybe one or two weren’t, but a lot were.” I furrowed my brow angrily.

“But why does that matter?” JD tilted their head. “We’re breaking records for both of us in how long we’ve been together. Not even being separated for months while I was stuck in Hell could stop what we have.”

“Those two months though! I was so broken up and even though I tried to put on a good face for the others so they wouldn’t worry, I couldn’t stop! There were times where I was either overeating or undereating from stress or because I thought I didn’t deserve it for failing you! I felt like it was my fault… My fault for you being trapped there…” I grasped onto them harder. I could feel my nails digging in, but JD didn’t stop me. They just held me closer. 

“It wasn’t your fault. You know that it was my fucking shitty ass dad’s fault for that. He set it all up so that I would end up back in Hell and then you had to pay the price for what he did.” I could hear spite in JD’s voice. It was getting angrier.

“I couldn’t help thinking that. Even now, I can’t help but think that. That maybe if I was better, I would have gotten you out faster. And since then… I’ve been spiraling further. I try not to show you because… I don’t wanna push that stuff onto you. Some of it is stupid, like one bad thought getting in my head, but then a few hours later I calm down and stop thinking about it. But then it just takes one more stupid word to cause it to happen all over again.” I take another breath. And another. And another. I feel like I’m wasting their time and I start to rock again in their arms.

“You know that’s not fucking true right?” JD sounds angry. Not at me, but rather at whatever voice in my head constantly causes me to spiral. They manage to turn me around so I’m facing them. When they really want to, I can definitely tell that they’re a lot stronger than me. “Now, I don’t know every little thought that goes into your head… But I do know those thoughts are bullshit.”

“But-!” 

“No buts here, okay?” JD holds me in front of them. I can feel their warmth, and it relaxes me a little. “Now listen. I know I’m not the best at emotions or feelings, but… with you I’ve been trying to open up more and we’ve made a lot of steps forward! I didn’t know feeling some of this stuff was as good as it was, since I just kinda… closed off from it. And even if that comes with feeling shitty sometimes, getting to love you and be around you is a pretty good payoff in my book.”

“Still I don’t get why… I feel like your life has just been everywhere since what happened with Rip. I feel like if maybe… maybe if I hadn’t…”

“Hadn’t what? Been around me?” JD rolled their eyes a bit, before pulling me closer to them. “It sounds like… there’s a lot going on in your head, babe. Maybe stuff I can’t understand super well, and that’s not me admitting defeat!” I chuckle a little. “But I don’t like the idea of you stewing in horrible thoughts like those. I don’t want you to… feel like you did on the water tower again. You’re probably gonna ask why, but it’s just… you know how I feel about you, and yes I gotta work through a lot, but you’ve been helping me with my emotional needs and problems, so guess what? I get to help you too.”

I guess I go slack-jawed a little, because JD smiles a little. A smile that only JD can pull off as well as they do. A little wild, a little feisty, and full of love.

“And yeah, maybe I don’t fully understand what’s going on in your head. Maybe I never will, but that’s not gonna stop me from helping you or at least trying.”

“I guess I just never really wanted to bother you or anyone else with what I felt. I don’t know, it’s dumb to feel this way about the littlest things.”

“Except it’s not. If it upsets you, then it’s something that matters. And you matter to me, so I’m probably gonna get upset if you get upset. It’s only natural.” JD lays their forehead into mine for a moment, and I only feel their warmth. We stay like this for only a few moments, but they feel significantly longer than that. They lean forward to kiss me, but not in the hot, sexy, and passionate way. Rather, it’s in the way that keeps me calm. The warmth they have being given to me. I can feel a tear running down my cheek, but as they break away they make sure to wipe away the tear.

“Th… Thanks JD.” I manage to say as JD smiles once more.

“I know you’d do the same for me, right?” JD then forces us into a position of cuddling, and I feel at ease. I feel like there’s so much more to say, but… I can always talk to them now about what I need to say. Even if I clam up again, they’ll probably kick my ass into gear to get me to talk again. A yawn escapes my mouth and I feel JD hold me close to them. 

“Yeah, I would.” I manage to say with some confidence, although I can hear the slight nervousness that remains in my voice. It’s a little bit better, and I’m sure I’ll feel better in the morning, but I know one thing is sure. I will feel like this again. And it’ll hurt. But next time it’s going to hurt slightly less because they’re here by my side. I close my eyes and drift off, knowing tomorrow can be a better day. Why? Because JD will be there. And I love JD. And they love me.


End file.
